Sunday, April 05, 2009

Rewrite

I think I need to kind of rewrite the last post. I had so much going through my mind and I don't think it all came out right or made much sense.
I have several wonderful friends who have just spent time with me and not talked about Evan or talked about Evan, whatever I needed at the time. I had lunch with a friend on Friday and we talked about Evan, not his death, but about Evan. Then I went to the school to work in the office like I used to (I think Sean was relieved I was getting out of the house for a while) and I talked about Evan some more. I have made some great friends volunteering at the school and it was nice to have a Friday afternoon that wasn't busy and I just talked about him. What I am struggling with more now are the people who are friends, but not good friends. The people, who I think are concerned and have their hearts in the right place, but have no idea what to say to us. I am afraid of breaking down in front of them. My close friends I don't really have that fear, if I cried in front of them they would cry with me and we would go on. That is a little uncomfortable with the mom of your daughters teammate who you are not that close to.
I had a breakdown at Gracie's softball game last night. I took something that should not have bothered me and completely blew it up. Then barely made it to the car before I broke down. My sis-in-law just sat in the car with me until I was OK and I went back to the game. I think I made a lot of people uncomfortable, crying will do that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I will cry, it may be in Target or at a ball game or in my house. I try to keep it together until I can get somewhere not so public, but I am going to cry because sometimes it just gets to be too much. I just wish it didn't make people so uncomfortable.
I hope that made more sense.

6 comments:

Memoryvilla DT said...

Monica, please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers every single day. I am so sorry I was unable to spend quality time with you when you visited the mountain..but I was very glad to see you and I love you very much.
April

StephF said...

love you! Steph

adafloyd said...

Unfortunately people are very uncomfortable with a situation such as this... do I mention him, do I not? They don't want to make you sad if you are having a good moment, but don't want to ignore the situation either.

Funny, I think Ed's message really sums it up. I'm sure you don't remember much of it (I didn't either the first two times I heard it, but actually heard it when I was there for Evan's) - he tells people what NOT to say. People don't realize how their well meaning comments can cut so deep. For me it was "He's in a better place." - Theologically speaking perhaps, but to a mother, no place is better than in my arms. It was hard not to scream every time I heard that.

Monica... I am so sorry. I am sorry you are having to travel this journey too. There is no easy way to navigate the pitfalls on it. Your courage to share it with others on your blog amazes me, and I hope you find it healing as well. It has touched me immensely.

Cry when you need to cry. Try not to worry about what others see, hear or think - I know, almost impossible, but every tear shed is a tiny bit of healing. It was for me. And bless your friends for being there to comfort you and share in the memories and the tears.

Here if you need me. Feel free to send me an email/call anytime.

ada

Julie said...

You are precious. I love you and I will always remember Evan.

JannaScraps said...

You've been on my mind so much, Monica. I know exactly what you are saying. Each person deals with their grief and pain so differently...I had a friend that lost her teenage son about a year ago and I could see this same struggle within her. She didn't want people to ignore Peyton's life, to pretend nothing happened, to step around the subject...but inevitably, it would bring tears and still does depending on how she is feeling. Whether you've had a child for a few days or 16 or 60 years, the pain is excruciating. They take a place in your heart and your love will carry on forever. I cry just thinking about you, Shawn, your kiddos and this very difficult time you're going through...so I cannot imagine walking a day in YOUR shoes trying to process this heartache. You were given such a gift and though it was a short, sweet time- your time with Evan is growing you into the person God desires you to be. I pray that God comforts your pain and blesses your heart. With love. jw

Lexie said...

I think everyone knows there will be good days and bad days. happy days and sad days. And I think everyone knows there will be tears....there's nothing to hide there and more importantly, there is nothing wrong with showing your feelings, whatever they may be at the moment.

Still thinking about you guys so, so often.