I finally get it. I have the song "The Blessing" by John Waller on my Ipod. A few of the lyrics have always kind of confused me. Blessings and curses are choices Will we build up Tear down The moment of truth is now.
I can understand curses or trials being a choice. I have had to make that choice recently. Will we follow Him or will we turn away. But blessings usually make us thank God, blessings usually do not cause us to curse God. We spent a long weekend in Minnesota with Sean's family. We got to meet Carson Evan for the first time. Carson was born on Evan's due date, we are his Godparents, and he is a healthy, happy baby. He is a blessing. This was my "Aha" moment. I have a choice here. I made it on the day he was born. It is amazing how bitterness and anger are so much easier to feel than pain. After we found out he was here I was OK. I went to Target and bought him presents and I was so OK that I was biting everyones head off and just angry, but it was not because of Carson. Sean finally sat down next to me and said that he didn't know if it helped anything, but it hurts them too. That did it. It made all the difference. We love Aaron and Kelly. I don't want them to go through what we are. I had to accept that this situation just sucked and that was all there was to it. Anger and bitterness was so much easier, but in the long run so much more destructive. So I did my best to work through the pain. I believe God gave showed me grace and helped me. When we decided to go to Minnesota this weekend I was terrified. We would be facing this little almost two month old baby and I was petrified. I cried and I prayed and I cried and I prayed. The amazing thing is, it was OK. I held him and took pictures and just loved on him. There were times when I thought about what might have been, but I was able to pray through it. And I am not going to lie. It hurt. We never saw Evan give us a big yawn, we never heard Evan cry, and Evan never opened his eyes wide and looked up at me. That hurts. But Carson can do all these things. A blessing. A choice.
The first thing I did when we got home. I went to Target and bought boots. I went to the Target in Conway to get boots and they were out. One of the moms said that when she went to Target they still had some and women were fighting over them. There was mud everywhere. We had mud all over our shoes and the bottom of our jeans. I had to wait in line for the washing machine at the hotel to wash her stuff for Sunday's games. It was nice to get away for a weekend though. The kids got to swim and eat pizza on the bed while watching a movie. Fun stuff!
Sometimes when I feel like I am totally losing it, this grounds me. Taking a walk with my ipod with songs like this keep me from staying in bed with the covers over my head. Just a reminder that I am not alone. ever.
"Crawl (Carry Me Through)"
How long will this take? How much can I go through? My heart, my soul aches I don't know what to do I bend, but don't break Somehow I'll get through Cause I have You
And if I had to crawl Well You'd crawl too I stumble and I fall Carry me through The wonder of it all Is You see me through
O Lord, where are you? Do not forget me here I cry in silence Can you not see my tears
When all have left me And hope has disappeared You'll find me here (Superchick)
All the moms who have lost a child, given up a child, or are trying desprately to have a child, I am praying for you today. To all the children who have lost their mother, I am praying for you also. To all of my sweet friends, Have a happy Mother's day. Hold your children close as they pamper you today!
A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with some other women who had also lost children. I really did not want to go, I just thought it would be too hard, but I am so thankful I went. One thing that they said to me has stood out and I have thought and prayed a lot about it. They told me that I would feel joyful again. Really. I just cannot imagine feeling joyful. I mean, I don't walk around crying all the time, and I do laugh, but joyful. no. The funny thing is my favorite verse while I was in high school was about this. I even put it on sympathy cards to comfort others. I never once thought about it in my situation though. I have been seeking Bible verses to comfort me and I never even thought about the verse I had used to comfort others. Then the other day I went to my dad's house. I had written the verse in calligraphy in high school art class and my mom had framed it. I loved it because it reminded me that even though we have sorrow and grieve now, our joy ultimately comes from God. It is John 16:22 and Jesus was ascending into Heaven and leaving His disciples. He recognized their grief and comforted them. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.
or as OK as I will ever be I guess. I'm sorry. That last post was supposed to be something so different and then I started writing and it just spiraled into something else. Thank you for the calls and emails and the prayers. Thank you.
I had a baby. And seven weeks ago yesterday I let him go. When will I stop measuring time this way. It just hurts. All day I will think of what I was doing this time 8 weeks ago. At 4:15 today I will be getting home from picking up the kids from school, but 8 weeks ago Evan was born. Why do I do this to myself and when will it stop. Ya know, a couple of weeks ago, Julie gave me permission to do what I needed to do for me and not care what anyone else thinks or worry if it makes anyone else uncomfortable. So I think I am just going to go back to bed. If you have a chance today please say a prayer for me. I really just need it today.
I went to a crop on Saturday and I got six layout done! OK, they are really simple and I will probably add to some of them, but it was really nice to sit with some friends and just scrap. I only took Evan's pictures so that I would work on his albums. I didn't do any too emotional pages. I did start one and have to put it up. I will finish it soon, but I really was scared of breaking down while doing it and while my friends at the table with me would understand, I really didn't want to do that in a room full of strangers. My favorite is the last photo. Really, really simple page, but it just means alot to me. The quote is "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." Which is so Sean. When the kids catch us kissing and I get embarrassed he just says that it is good for the kids to see affection between us. Anyway, hopefully this will get me back into the swing of things. I feel like I have not been taking pictures like I usually do and I really need to get the camera out more, get my scrap stuff out more, and try some crafty projects that I have been wanting to try.
Between soccer, softball, field trips, and a track meet we have been pretty busy lately. It would make things much easier if it would stop raining for a while. School is winding down and we are so ready for summer. I am looking forward to sleeping in and spending our days by the pool. I know the kids are ready for break. We are going to head up to Minnesota this summer, probably a couple of times. Sean wants to go to the beach also. G&G have never been to the beach, and I really think our family needs a vacation. So if anyone has an suggestions on beaches let me know!