Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Just Rambling.

This is just going to be a long rambling post. I just need to get this stuff out. I probably need a journal. ha. Evan's headstone has been placed. I am sad. I mean, I wanted it placed, but it just seems so final now. really final. My son's name is on a headstone. I drove past just to see if it had been placed and had to walk out there. They had just thrown the flowers I put out the other day on their side and I wanted to fix them. I was not prepared in the least to go out there and see that. I left Carolina in the car because it is hard to put the garden picks in the ground while holding her. I left pretty upset. I just kind of looked back to make sure she was ok and cried my way home. When I went to get her out of the car, her face lit up and she smiled that amazing smile at me. I could not help but smile back. This morning at Bible study they asked the question "Who has Jesus been for you this week" most women gave their answer with an explanation. I gave may answer with a shaky voice and did not explain for fear of breaking down uncontrollably. My answer was that He has been my comforter. I have just been having a really hard time lately and Isaiah 61 just keeps coming up. It is just in my head all the time. So when Carolina smiled at me "to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning..." was in my heart. I am still so sad, but He gave me beauty from ashes. It is a lot to put on a little girl, but I think she handles it well. Anyway. I am an emotional mess. I have my good minutes, and my bad minutes. And it is kind of sad that I feel I am going minute to minute again. Hopefully I will dig my way out soon.

7 comments:

thetalbotts said...

Sweet Monica, you've been walking this journey for a while now, and I'm sure you know that these lows don't last forever. They just feel like they will. I'm sorry you're feeling like that right now. I promise to pray for you.

Having Elliana's body cremated, I can't relate to the headstone, but there have been times when I glance up at the little box of her ashes in the top of my closet, and when I realize that my baby daughter's body is sitting right there on my shelf...well, it just shouldn't be like that! She should be standing right there beside me, pulling all of my shoes out of the closet and trying them on.

I love what you said about Carolina handling her role well...these little miracle babies don't make everything better, but they sure do bring more joy to us than they'll ever know.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so long-winded with my comment tonight, but just know that across the country you have a friend you've never met praying for you.

Donna said...

Such a touching post that makes the rest of us realize not to take even small moments for granted. So glad Carolina's smile was the gift from God that you needed. Praying for you tonight...peace.

Julie said...

I love you so much, Monica. So very much.

Rebecca said...

I know that finality too! We proscratinated for nearly a year to have Olivia's headstone purchased and installed because it was almost as if once that was done, there would be nothing left to do. And it is so....shocking, I guess, to see your baby's name on a headstone. Just totally unreal.

I am so glad that Carolina could be your comfort in that moment. He is near to the broken-hearted....

Michelle said...

I have no words of comfort. Just a heart that breaks for you. Thank you for the reminder to love them while we have them, and never take one single moment for granted. Love you!

Lexie said...

Think of it like this, Monica...his name and spirit forever remembered by ANYONE who ever walks around there and looks at it, whether they knew him or not. Thinking of you today and always.

chadandnikki said...

Love and prayers.