Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. - Lamentations 3:32
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I finally get it. I have the song "The Blessing" by John Waller on my Ipod. A few of the lyrics have always kind of confused me. Blessings and curses are choices Will we build up Tear down The moment of truth is now.
I can understand curses or trials being a choice. I have had to make that choice recently. Will we follow Him or will we turn away. But blessings usually make us thank God, blessings usually do not cause us to curse God. We spent a long weekend in Minnesota with Sean's family. We got to meet Carson Evan for the first time. Carson was born on Evan's due date, we are his Godparents, and he is a healthy, happy baby. He is a blessing. This was my "Aha" moment. I have a choice here. I made it on the day he was born. It is amazing how bitterness and anger are so much easier to feel than pain. After we found out he was here I was OK. I went to Target and bought him presents and I was so OK that I was biting everyones head off and just angry, but it was not because of Carson. Sean finally sat down next to me and said that he didn't know if it helped anything, but it hurts them too. That did it. It made all the difference. We love Aaron and Kelly. I don't want them to go through what we are. I had to accept that this situation just sucked and that was all there was to it. Anger and bitterness was so much easier, but in the long run so much more destructive. So I did my best to work through the pain. I believe God gave showed me grace and helped me. When we decided to go to Minnesota this weekend I was terrified. We would be facing this little almost two month old baby and I was petrified. I cried and I prayed and I cried and I prayed. The amazing thing is, it was OK. I held him and took pictures and just loved on him. There were times when I thought about what might have been, but I was able to pray through it. And I am not going to lie. It hurt. We never saw Evan give us a big yawn, we never heard Evan cry, and Evan never opened his eyes wide and looked up at me. That hurts. But Carson can do all these things. A blessing. A choice.