Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Blessing




I finally get it.
I have the song "The Blessing" by John Waller on my Ipod. A few of the lyrics have always kind of confused me.
Blessings and curses are choices
Will we build up
Tear down
The moment of truth is now.

I can understand curses or trials being a choice. I have had to make that choice recently. Will we follow Him or will we turn away. But blessings usually make us thank God, blessings usually do not cause us to curse God. We spent a long weekend in Minnesota with Sean's family. We got to meet Carson Evan for the first time. Carson was born on Evan's due date, we are his Godparents, and he is a healthy, happy baby. He is a blessing. This was my "Aha" moment. I have a choice here. I made it on the day he was born. It is amazing how bitterness and anger are so much easier to feel than pain. After we found out he was here I was OK. I went to Target and bought him presents and I was so OK that I was biting everyones head off and just angry, but it was not because of Carson. Sean finally sat down next to me and said that he didn't know if it helped anything, but it hurts them too.
That did it. It made all the difference. We love Aaron and Kelly. I don't want them to go through what we are. I had to accept that this situation just sucked and that was all there was to it. Anger and bitterness was so much easier, but in the long run so much more destructive. So I did my best to work through the pain. I believe God gave showed me grace and helped me.
When we decided to go to Minnesota this weekend I was terrified. We would be facing this little almost two month old baby and I was petrified. I cried and I prayed and I cried and I prayed. The amazing thing is, it was OK. I held him and took pictures and just loved on him. There were times when I thought about what might have been, but I was able to pray through it. And I am not going to lie. It hurt. We never saw Evan give us a big yawn, we never heard Evan cry, and Evan never opened his eyes wide and looked up at me. That hurts. But Carson can do all these things.
A blessing.
A choice.
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Rebecca said...

Tears streaming down my face for you today.

My sister-in-law is still pregnant & her baby is due one month after Olivia was due. I don't even know how I will be able to live in this family if she ends up having a girl. I feel like I will never be able to attend a family function again, watching her baby grow up like Olivia should have been.

Oh, the pain! Your post has given me much to think about though......

Lexie said...

yes, a huge, huge blessing indeed. Thinking of you....

Michelle said...

What moving words, and what a wonderful choice. Even though it was so very difficult to make. Thank you for sharing yourself.

Courtney said...

it is much easier to hate and be angry....believe me...ive been right in the middle of it myself. but you have to realize, that the other ones...the ones who had/have healthy babies...didn't choose it, didnt choose it for you, or for them, and can't do anything to prevent, help, change, or otherwise alter the situation. Please don't hold it against them, or make them suffer for the fact that they had a healthy baby. they hurt too.....whether you can see it or not.

Julie said...

Love you, sweetie.

chadandnikki said...

So very true. Everything is a choice. Granted these are very hard choices to have to make. Thank you for being honest.

StephF said...

God brings us thru things we cannot understand... even if He told us His reasons, some things are just beyond our comprehension as mere humans. That stuck in my head from Evan's funeral. I had never heard it put that way before but I believe it is so true.

It is beyond my comprehension why a baby, why Evan would be taken so soon. I also know that thru this, you have been an incredible witness of God's love, grace and glory. Your story has touched so many people that you don't even know. You have been such an inspiration for others and I'm certain that there are others out there that know they can make it thru this incredibly painful time in their lives because of the love of the Lord. And you showed them that. You may not feel strong, but you are stronger than you ever could imagine. I love you!

adafloyd said...

I am so amazed at your strength to SEE these things so soon... it is so hard, so painful. My heart breaks for you, for Rebecca and her pain facing the birth of a niece/nephew that will break open that wound again, regardless of the gender, for the countless other mothers who know this strange, unique pain that no one else could possibly understand.

Thank you, Monica, for your raw, open honesty. I pray you find peace and healing in it.... just as I pray you find peace and healing in little Carson's face - just I have been blessed to (finally) in our cousin's twins, Isaac and Eric. It has taken me almost 4 years to get to this point, and it's by no means perfect, but it is good. There is a beautiful blessing there, I'm sure.

Love you. Praying for you always.

Becky said...

You helped me today. Thank you.

chris mitch travis cana said...

i really get this. i really really get this. So many of my friends are having their #2's behind MY #2. but i didn't get to bring her home. I fear my anger is more from the 'don't forget about me' side. I don't want these new lives to replace the life we carried and returned reluctantly home. Not that i don't want life to go on! I see the glory and celebration in new life. i just don't want to be forgotten about. I don't want HER life to be forgotten about.

I will be browsing your story more tomorrow as i have to take advantage of this 26 month old sleeping so soundly...but i was wondering...i feel like the only one who didn't have an amnio...but our cana had trisomy 18. did you know?