Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Fear not, for I am with you:

be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
When the pregnancy test was positive I felt joy like I have not felt in a long time. Pure joy. I cried and I prayed and started trying to come up with a fun way to tell Sean.
Then the fear set in.
Then the guilt set in.
And I have allowed these fears and guilt to steal my joy. Telling people was always a double edge sword. I am afraid that it looks like I am replacing Evan. It is so hard to say "I'm pregnant" with out saying "I am not replacing Evan." In my head I know that everyone is happy for us, but I just cannot shake the fear. Sean has dealt with all of this so much easier than I have. He says that Evan would love having an Irish twin. He says that Evan does not want to see us fall into the pit of grief in March, so he gave us a reason to be happy. Anticipating his 6 month birthday was bad. I felt like I was going crazy. I can only imagine what his birthday would be like.
I know God has perfect timing.
I know fear does not come from God.
I know I am not replacing Evan.
So I am trying to be happy without that guilt in the background. I am trying to concentrate on the life growing inside of me. I am remembering my son and still grieving. And I am proclaiming Isaiah 41:10.


shawnda said...

I think it's wonderful that you are expecting. God works miracles in us and through us and I think he just wanted to bless you again.
Hugs to you and Shawn

Rebecca said...

I can only imagine. Really. I guess this is where 'His ways are higher than our ways', right? It's gotta be so stinkin' hard to celebrate the life 'within', while grieving your life 'without' Evan. You are doing the right thing by strengthening yourself with Scripture (Ps.119:8). Evan will always have a separate place in your life & heart regardless of how many more babies you have.

chadandnikki said...

You can do this. You're a great mom to all of your babies. Keep trusting God, and let Him take care of you. You're doing great.

I'll See You in Heaven said...

I think it is wonderful!!!! A new baby, a gift! I believe your little boy will have the greatest birthday of all. Just picture the incredible party Jesus will be giving Evan. I am sorry for your hurting heart. God bless you, and may He give you a wonderful pregnancy filled with strength for the hard days, and joy for the coming of this new life.

Lexie said...

Evan will always be your babe...whether you have 1 more or 100 more. All our babies have special places in our hearts. I'm thrilled ya'll are expecting a newbie!

adafloyd said...

You are doing great, Monica. Even when it feels like you're not - you are. I know I'm not around you every day, but when we speak, I see it in your eyes. You will love this baby as fiercely as Evan - and yes, you will look for any similarities between them - and it's ALL OK.

Just a suggestion that someone shared with me in our similar situation... when you have a sad or guilty thought, make yourself think of a happy one. Not easy, but it really did help keep me balanced.

Send me a note if you want to get together. Or call if you need to talk. Always here... ;o)

christina said...

girl! i must have been mia for a whle because i see that you are expecting and oh my gosh, the ride is hard enough emotionally without adding to it the grief journey and all that goes with a subsequent pregnancy! I am so with you! How far along are YOU? We are just 10 weeks...and feeling every part of the grief AND celebration. It's SO difficult! I am so blessed by all your words and am finding again so much in common with your heart. Please please..share more with me! I have SO much to share but it's so hard because everyone is asking how we are..and i think "oh they are asking about my Cana!" and then a split second later, i, its just easier for them to ask about the NEW baby. Its so much harder to approach our suffering! do you get that too on your side of the pain and joy?

with you.

MDAC said...

Thinking of you and your new little bun in the oven that Evan helped to pick out for your family. Our girls, Faith and Olivia, are just 12 months and 6 days apart. I had many of the same doubts, fears, and concerns as we were just learning what goodbye meant when we found out we would be carrying another baby(3 months after Faith died) It was shock, joy, sorrow, and so many things wrapped into one. I had such a hard time getting excited in the beginning becuase I was just too busy mourning for Faith. I am learning to live life simultaniously. My days are the definition of bittersweet. My girls presence and absence in my life is proof that one can experience great joy and sorrow together in one breath. And I am so thankful to God for that breath.
You keep claiming the promises of God!!!