Just Rambling.

This is just going to be a long rambling post. I just need to get this stuff out. I probably need a journal. ha. Evan's headstone has been placed. I am sad. I mean, I wanted it placed, but it just seems so final now. really final. My son's name is on a headstone. I drove past just to see if it had been placed and had to walk out there. They had just thrown the flowers I put out the other day on their side and I wanted to fix them. I was not prepared in the least to go out there and see that. I left Carolina in the car because it is hard to put the garden picks in the ground while holding her. I left pretty upset. I just kind of looked back to make sure she was ok and cried my way home. When I went to get her out of the car, her face lit up and she smiled that amazing smile at me. I could not help but smile back. This morning at Bible study they asked the question "Who has Jesus been for you this week" most women gave their answer with an explanation. I gave may answer with a shaky voice and did not explain for fear of breaking down uncontrollably. My answer was that He has been my comforter. I have just been having a really hard time lately and Isaiah 61 just keeps coming up. It is just in my head all the time. So when Carolina smiled at me "to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning..." was in my heart. I am still so sad, but He gave me beauty from ashes. It is a lot to put on a little girl, but I think she handles it well. Anyway. I am an emotional mess. I have my good minutes, and my bad minutes. And it is kind of sad that I feel I am going minute to minute again. Hopefully I will dig my way out soon.