I Think I Can

 

 

A couple of weeks ago I took a quick trip to NWA with some friends. We went to a scrapbook store and I bought stuff for Evan's album. At the time I thought I would just buy the stuff and make the album when I was able to. I have thought about it a lot since then. The hour a day that I walk, I think about what I want to do for Evan's album. I have come to the conclusion that Evan does not have to have only one album and I don't have a time limit for scrapping his pictures. In 10 years if I want to get a picture of him out and scrap it I can. I have had several ideas and I think I am ready to start on one of his ablums.
Why am I posting this here? Accountability. Part of me wants to just think about this and never actually do it, but I really think it would help me to do this. I can journal how I feel about him and tuck it in a scrapbook and have it out there, but not too out there. I can cry over each page as I remember how soft his shoulders were and the blonde hair that was on his shoulders and arms. I can remember the swirl of hair on the top of his head and know that I have these memories written down. Not that I think I will ever forget, but they will be in somthing tangible that I can touch and look back on.
So I am going to get off the computer and do this.

Edited to add - Ok, I worked on an album for a little while. I am using Bible verses that have sustained me through this. I will pull it back out later, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

One of My Favorite Things About Spring...

 

 

I get flowers delivered by children with dirty little fingers.

Isn't He Cute

 

 

Apparently we had batman over for breakfast this morning. This was after he slept in GW's bed, with the mask on. Not to be outdone, MG wanted her picture with bedhead. Ya just gotta love them!

Today

I have sung this song in my head all day.


The More I seek You
The More I find you
the more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at you feet
drink from the cup in your hands
lay back against you and breath
feel your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
it's overwhelming

 

Just a few more of my favorite...

 
 
 


And some that include G&G! I feel like I haven't posted about them in forever. MG is busy as ever. We have soccer and softball going. She is loving every minute. She is playing fastpitch girl pitch this year. It is a lot different from pitching machine. She has some more of her friends on the team this year, two girls from school and one of our neighbors (she also plays soccer with her)so MG is loving that!
GW is playing soccer. He chose not to play baseball this year, and wants to try swimming this summer. So we should have a busy spring and summer with them.
Several people have asked how they are doing with all of this, and really they are handling things pretty well. They ask questions and have their moments when they are sad, but I think it is all normal grieving for children their age. GW is very concerned about me. If I make a noise he thinks may be crying he checks on me. He is very sweet and tries to make things better. He still talks about missing his baby brother. He is just so sweet when he sees tears.
I really need to get my camera out more. I didn't get one picture of the two of them together at Easter. I will make them dress up again and take some pictures on a sunny evening one day this week. I need to take pictures, do something creative.
If you will notice in some of these pictures Sean has his hands gripping the bottom of my shirt. He kept flashing my big belly for Julie. It was a good thing that I love her and don't mind her seeing my big belly. Oh, and he got the bare belly pictures that he wanted.

One Month

Evan should be one month old today.
I should be taking lots of pictures.
I should be changing diapers.
I should be sleeping in 3-4 hour intervals.
I should be singing a lullaby.
I should be holding a baby in my arms.

This has all just hit me like a ton of bricks today. So I am claiming 1 Peter 5:10 today. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

The photos in the post below were taken by Julie

Thankful

 
 
 
 
I am so thankful for these pictures.
Julie you did an amazing job.
Thank you.

Rewrite

I think I need to kind of rewrite the last post. I had so much going through my mind and I don't think it all came out right or made much sense.
I have several wonderful friends who have just spent time with me and not talked about Evan or talked about Evan, whatever I needed at the time. I had lunch with a friend on Friday and we talked about Evan, not his death, but about Evan. Then I went to the school to work in the office like I used to (I think Sean was relieved I was getting out of the house for a while) and I talked about Evan some more. I have made some great friends volunteering at the school and it was nice to have a Friday afternoon that wasn't busy and I just talked about him. What I am struggling with more now are the people who are friends, but not good friends. The people, who I think are concerned and have their hearts in the right place, but have no idea what to say to us. I am afraid of breaking down in front of them. My close friends I don't really have that fear, if I cried in front of them they would cry with me and we would go on. That is a little uncomfortable with the mom of your daughters teammate who you are not that close to.
I had a breakdown at Gracie's softball game last night. I took something that should not have bothered me and completely blew it up. Then barely made it to the car before I broke down. My sis-in-law just sat in the car with me until I was OK and I went back to the game. I think I made a lot of people uncomfortable, crying will do that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I will cry, it may be in Target or at a ball game or in my house. I try to keep it together until I can get somewhere not so public, but I am going to cry because sometimes it just gets to be too much. I just wish it didn't make people so uncomfortable.
I hope that made more sense.

Holding On To Hope

My sweet friend Rhonda got this book for me after Evan passed away. I think I need to buy this book in bulk and hand it out. As I read the first chapter it just hit me how she was feeling so much of what I was feeling. I told someone the other day that I was so tired of telling people that I was fine. I am not fine. I will be one day, but right now I am just so sad. I can have moments of feeling normal and then I crash. I had a wonderful day yesterday with some friends, then I came home and my mood just went downhill fast. I just crashed. I am so lucky I have a wonderful husband who just takes care of me when I do that. I just want to tell people it is OK for me to be sad and cry. The thing is I think most people I talk to would totally understand that, it is me who has the problem. It is hard to go through all these emotions where people can see me. I am just rambling now. The point is if you are hurting, or know someone who is hurting, this book helps. alot.

I Will Rise

This is a song that was played at Evan's service. Chris Tomlin wrote and sings the song. I have watched videos of him talking about why he wrote the song, and he wrote it for people who were standing over a grave. It is to remind them of the hope that is there. He pretty much wrote the song around the lyric "The grave is overwhelmed." I still cannot hear the song without crying. It is a reminder that there will come a day with no more sorrow and no more pain, and that is something I need to hear right now.

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise