Shout or Silent

Our church is doing a new sermon series called Shout or Silent. It seems like I cannot make it through a service without crying anymore and today was really bad.

Friday when we went to Little Rock we saw a different cardiologist, we were not prepared for that and we also saw the doctor that we really were not very impressed with again. The new cardiologist was not a bad thing. She is the cardiologist for some people we know and they love her so Sean was happy to see her just because the other baby has done so well and the family really likes her. She also gave us some news we did not want to hear. They really cannot tell much about the left ventricle. The baby is getting too big to trust what they are seeing through me. It is all about angles. Some images they get look fine, but some the LV looks small. They really have no way to know until the baby is here and they can get images straight from the baby. She knows how to communicate with Sean though. She gave him some Z scores and information that his analytical mind understands, me not so much. Sean had to explain a lot to me after she left.

The other doctor came in and continued with the ultrasound. I had been on the ultrasound table for two hours at this point and Sean had them bringing me water so my bladder was quite full and it is not really convenient to get up and go to the bathroom. Four different people come in and do ultrasounds and my belly is covered in goop and they don't clean me up in between, or give me a towel or really time to clean up. They just keep adding more goop and keep going. So she started measuring things and my amniotic fluid is low. She told me this then started looking at the kidneys. They usually measure around 4mm, this baby's kidneys measured around 4.5 mm but she was not all that concerned. I mean she took a personal cell phone call and argued with someone about how she could not take a call right now while doing all of this so I am figuring she was not too concerned with what was going on. She told me to call Dr. Laws and get in this week so he could monitor the situation. The baby will need a non stress test and I guess more ultrasounds to measure amniotic fluid. I will be calling his office at 8:00 Monday morning because I know he will take care of me and the baby and I know this will concern him and he will find out answers to my questions.

This is where the Shout or Silence comes in. I have not really wanted to talk to anyone since all of this. I sat in the car and cried when we got done Friday because I felt like I walked out with more questions than answers. They did not schedule my induction like I was told and they did not schedule the visit to the cardiac ICU like I was told and I was just to frustrated. Frustrated and angry. I was talking to a friend at Gracie's basketball game yesterday about how frustrated I am and she told me that I am my baby's greatest advocate right now. I care more about this baby's care than anyone right now and I was going to have to stop being nice and do what I had to do to get some answers. She is right. Now is the time to shout. That is why the sermon today hit me so hard. It was about how to deal with someone who you feel has wronged you. While Ed was talking I was figuring out what I was going to do for my baby and I was crying. I will take this step by step and if the first step does not work I will go on to the next step and the next. This baby will get the attention he/she deserves and the care that he/she deserves.

Thank you for your prayers and emails (and taking over my class Michelle) I have really needed them. Please keep praying.