The Blessing

 

 

 

I finally get it.
I have the song "The Blessing" by John Waller on my Ipod. A few of the lyrics have always kind of confused me.
Blessings and curses are choices
Will we build up
Tear down
The moment of truth is now.

I can understand curses or trials being a choice. I have had to make that choice recently. Will we follow Him or will we turn away. But blessings usually make us thank God, blessings usually do not cause us to curse God. We spent a long weekend in Minnesota with Sean's family. We got to meet Carson Evan for the first time. Carson was born on Evan's due date, we are his Godparents, and he is a healthy, happy baby. He is a blessing. This was my "Aha" moment. I have a choice here. I made it on the day he was born. It is amazing how bitterness and anger are so much easier to feel than pain. After we found out he was here I was OK. I went to Target and bought him presents and I was so OK that I was biting everyones head off and just angry, but it was not because of Carson. Sean finally sat down next to me and said that he didn't know if it helped anything, but it hurts them too.
That did it. It made all the difference. We love Aaron and Kelly. I don't want them to go through what we are. I had to accept that this situation just sucked and that was all there was to it. Anger and bitterness was so much easier, but in the long run so much more destructive. So I did my best to work through the pain. I believe God gave showed me grace and helped me.
When we decided to go to Minnesota this weekend I was terrified. We would be facing this little almost two month old baby and I was petrified. I cried and I prayed and I cried and I prayed. The amazing thing is, it was OK. I held him and took pictures and just loved on him. There were times when I thought about what might have been, but I was able to pray through it. And I am not going to lie. It hurt. We never saw Evan give us a big yawn, we never heard Evan cry, and Evan never opened his eyes wide and looked up at me. That hurts. But Carson can do all these things.
A blessing.
A choice.

We got a little muddy this weekend.

 

 

 

 

The first thing I did when we got home. I went to Target and bought boots. I went to the Target in Conway to get boots and they were out. One of the moms said that when she went to Target they still had some and women were fighting over them. There was mud everywhere. We had mud all over our shoes and the bottom of our jeans. I had to wait in line for the washing machine at the hotel to wash her stuff for Sunday's games. It was nice to get away for a weekend though. The kids got to swim and eat pizza on the bed while watching a movie. Fun stuff!

Crawl

Sometimes when I feel like I am totally losing it, this grounds me. Taking a walk with my ipod with songs like this keep me from staying in bed with the covers over my head. Just a reminder that I am not alone. ever.

"Crawl (Carry Me Through)"

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here
(Superchick)

Happy Mothers Day

 

All the moms who have lost a child, given up a child, or are trying desprately to have a child, I am praying for you today. To all the children who have lost their mother, I am praying for you also.
To all of my sweet friends, Have a happy Mother's day. Hold your children close as they pamper you today!

Joy.

A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with some other women who had also lost children. I really did not want to go, I just thought it would be too hard, but I am so thankful I went. One thing that they said to me has stood out and I have thought and prayed a lot about it. They told me that I would feel joyful again. Really. I just cannot imagine feeling joyful. I mean, I don't walk around crying all the time, and I do laugh, but joyful. no. The funny thing is my favorite verse while I was in high school was about this. I even put it on sympathy cards to comfort others. I never once thought about it in my situation though. I have been seeking Bible verses to comfort me and I never even thought about the verse I had used to comfort others. Then the other day I went to my dad's house. I had written the verse in calligraphy in high school art class and my mom had framed it. I loved it because it reminded me that even though we have sorrow and grieve now, our joy ultimately comes from God. It is John 16:22 and Jesus was ascending into Heaven and leaving His disciples. He recognized their grief and comforted them.
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.

I'm OK

or as OK as I will ever be I guess. I'm sorry. That last post was supposed to be something so different and then I started writing and it just spiraled into something else. Thank you for the calls and emails and the prayers. Thank you.

Eight Weeks Ago

I had a baby. And seven weeks ago yesterday I let him go. When will I stop measuring time this way. It just hurts. All day I will think of what I was doing this time 8 weeks ago. At 4:15 today I will be getting home from picking up the kids from school, but 8 weeks ago Evan was born. Why do I do this to myself and when will it stop. Ya know, a couple of weeks ago, Julie gave me permission to do what I needed to do for me and not care what anyone else thinks or worry if it makes anyone else uncomfortable. So I think I am just going to go back to bed. If you have a chance today please
say a prayer for me. I really just need it today.

National Scrapbooking Day

 

 

 

 

I went to a crop on Saturday and I got six layout done! OK, they are really simple and I will probably add to some of them, but it was really nice to sit with some friends and just scrap. I only took Evan's pictures so that I would work on his albums. I didn't do any too emotional pages. I did start one and have to put it up. I will finish it soon, but I really was scared of breaking down while doing it and while my friends at the table with me would understand, I really didn't want to do that in a room full of strangers.
My favorite is the last photo. Really, really simple page, but it just means alot to me. The quote is "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." Which is so Sean. When the kids catch us kissing and I get embarrassed he just says that it is good for the kids to see affection between us. Anyway, hopefully this will get me back into the swing of things. I feel like I have not been taking pictures like I usually do and I really need to get the camera out more, get my scrap stuff out more, and try some crafty projects that I have been wanting to try.

What We Have Been Up To

Between soccer, softball, field trips, and a track meet we have been pretty busy lately. It would make things much easier if it would stop raining for a while. School is winding down and we are so ready for summer. I am looking forward to sleeping in and spending our days by the pool. I know the kids are ready for break. We are going to head up to Minnesota this summer, probably a couple of times. Sean wants to go to the beach also. G&G have never been to the beach, and I really think our family needs a vacation. So if anyone has an suggestions on beaches let me know!

I Think I Can

 

 

A couple of weeks ago I took a quick trip to NWA with some friends. We went to a scrapbook store and I bought stuff for Evan's album. At the time I thought I would just buy the stuff and make the album when I was able to. I have thought about it a lot since then. The hour a day that I walk, I think about what I want to do for Evan's album. I have come to the conclusion that Evan does not have to have only one album and I don't have a time limit for scrapping his pictures. In 10 years if I want to get a picture of him out and scrap it I can. I have had several ideas and I think I am ready to start on one of his ablums.
Why am I posting this here? Accountability. Part of me wants to just think about this and never actually do it, but I really think it would help me to do this. I can journal how I feel about him and tuck it in a scrapbook and have it out there, but not too out there. I can cry over each page as I remember how soft his shoulders were and the blonde hair that was on his shoulders and arms. I can remember the swirl of hair on the top of his head and know that I have these memories written down. Not that I think I will ever forget, but they will be in somthing tangible that I can touch and look back on.
So I am going to get off the computer and do this.

Edited to add - Ok, I worked on an album for a little while. I am using Bible verses that have sustained me through this. I will pull it back out later, it was much harder than I thought it would be.

One of My Favorite Things About Spring...

 

 

I get flowers delivered by children with dirty little fingers.

Isn't He Cute

 

 

Apparently we had batman over for breakfast this morning. This was after he slept in GW's bed, with the mask on. Not to be outdone, MG wanted her picture with bedhead. Ya just gotta love them!

Today

I have sung this song in my head all day.


The More I seek You
The More I find you
the more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at you feet
drink from the cup in your hands
lay back against you and breath
feel your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
it's overwhelming

 

Just a few more of my favorite...

 
 
 


And some that include G&G! I feel like I haven't posted about them in forever. MG is busy as ever. We have soccer and softball going. She is loving every minute. She is playing fastpitch girl pitch this year. It is a lot different from pitching machine. She has some more of her friends on the team this year, two girls from school and one of our neighbors (she also plays soccer with her)so MG is loving that!
GW is playing soccer. He chose not to play baseball this year, and wants to try swimming this summer. So we should have a busy spring and summer with them.
Several people have asked how they are doing with all of this, and really they are handling things pretty well. They ask questions and have their moments when they are sad, but I think it is all normal grieving for children their age. GW is very concerned about me. If I make a noise he thinks may be crying he checks on me. He is very sweet and tries to make things better. He still talks about missing his baby brother. He is just so sweet when he sees tears.
I really need to get my camera out more. I didn't get one picture of the two of them together at Easter. I will make them dress up again and take some pictures on a sunny evening one day this week. I need to take pictures, do something creative.
If you will notice in some of these pictures Sean has his hands gripping the bottom of my shirt. He kept flashing my big belly for Julie. It was a good thing that I love her and don't mind her seeing my big belly. Oh, and he got the bare belly pictures that he wanted.

One Month

Evan should be one month old today.
I should be taking lots of pictures.
I should be changing diapers.
I should be sleeping in 3-4 hour intervals.
I should be singing a lullaby.
I should be holding a baby in my arms.

This has all just hit me like a ton of bricks today. So I am claiming 1 Peter 5:10 today. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

The photos in the post below were taken by Julie

Thankful

 
 
 
 
I am so thankful for these pictures.
Julie you did an amazing job.
Thank you.

Rewrite

I think I need to kind of rewrite the last post. I had so much going through my mind and I don't think it all came out right or made much sense.
I have several wonderful friends who have just spent time with me and not talked about Evan or talked about Evan, whatever I needed at the time. I had lunch with a friend on Friday and we talked about Evan, not his death, but about Evan. Then I went to the school to work in the office like I used to (I think Sean was relieved I was getting out of the house for a while) and I talked about Evan some more. I have made some great friends volunteering at the school and it was nice to have a Friday afternoon that wasn't busy and I just talked about him. What I am struggling with more now are the people who are friends, but not good friends. The people, who I think are concerned and have their hearts in the right place, but have no idea what to say to us. I am afraid of breaking down in front of them. My close friends I don't really have that fear, if I cried in front of them they would cry with me and we would go on. That is a little uncomfortable with the mom of your daughters teammate who you are not that close to.
I had a breakdown at Gracie's softball game last night. I took something that should not have bothered me and completely blew it up. Then barely made it to the car before I broke down. My sis-in-law just sat in the car with me until I was OK and I went back to the game. I think I made a lot of people uncomfortable, crying will do that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I will cry, it may be in Target or at a ball game or in my house. I try to keep it together until I can get somewhere not so public, but I am going to cry because sometimes it just gets to be too much. I just wish it didn't make people so uncomfortable.
I hope that made more sense.

Holding On To Hope

My sweet friend Rhonda got this book for me after Evan passed away. I think I need to buy this book in bulk and hand it out. As I read the first chapter it just hit me how she was feeling so much of what I was feeling. I told someone the other day that I was so tired of telling people that I was fine. I am not fine. I will be one day, but right now I am just so sad. I can have moments of feeling normal and then I crash. I had a wonderful day yesterday with some friends, then I came home and my mood just went downhill fast. I just crashed. I am so lucky I have a wonderful husband who just takes care of me when I do that. I just want to tell people it is OK for me to be sad and cry. The thing is I think most people I talk to would totally understand that, it is me who has the problem. It is hard to go through all these emotions where people can see me. I am just rambling now. The point is if you are hurting, or know someone who is hurting, this book helps. alot.