I love bows. I don't go too crazy with the bows as big as her head, but I like bows. Carolina is developing her own opinion about them though. Sometimes she is just fine with them, other times she grabs them and pulls them over her eyes and fusses at me. She is a strong little booger and strong willed. She reminds me a lot of Grace as a baby. Anyway. I was trying to take some pictures and could not get the lighting right, and she found the bow. She would not leave it alone until I finally just took it off. I just thought it was funny.
I promise. We ran a few errands today. When we got home Miss Carolina was asleep in her car seat, so I just set it next to me. I looked down and she was sound asleep with her bow over her eyes. Instead of pushing it back into place, I went and got my camera and started taking pictures.
1I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. 2O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. 3O LORD, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. 4Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name. 5 For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
6As for me, I said in my prosperity, "I shall never be moved." 7By your favor, O LORD, you made my mountain stand strong; you hid your face; I was dismayed.
8To you, O LORD, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy: 9"What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness? 10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me! O LORD, be my helper!"
11You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 12that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
This is what I want to say about the past year. This Psalm pretty much says it for me. I fell into a pit. I fall back into it every once in a while, but He pulls me out. I can look at Evan and remember his soft skin and his sweet feet and all the little things about him and rejoice because I had him. Don't get me wrong, I still fall, but I can pull myself back up. And if I can't pull myself back up He gives me a reason to. Looking forward to his first birthday I fell hard. Then Carolina was born during a time that was "Evan's time", but I realized that it was OK and it helped me out of the pit. I am thankful Evan was here. I would have loved to have had him for more than six days, but I have to trust God for his reasons and just be thankful to have had him.
I just cannot wrap my mind around what I want to say today, so I will post tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever I can put two coherent sentences together. Evan, I love you and miss you so much every day.
On March 12, 2009 I held Evan for the first time. Last night, while I was holding Carolina I realized that I was holding my daughter for the first time exactly one year later. For the past year I have had to trust God's timing. Now I am understanding. I was a basketcase. The past several weeks I have cried and not really been able to function. I was so scared of having the baby between the 10th and 16th. That was Evan's time. I was offered an induction date of the 18th and it was perfect. It was after Evan's time, it was the start of spring break. We would have time to get used to the baby before we *had* to be anywhere and we all would be home together for a week. Almost immediately after getting the induction date I started to swell and my blood pressure started to creep up. I called the doc on Thursday and went in. I had to be at the hospital at 8:00 that night and my baby would be born the next morning. March 12th. Labor was quick and painful (He broke my water around 8:00 and she was born at 9:13), and she was perfect. Sean was over there counting fingers and toes and asking questions and she is perfect. 9lbs and 3oz. perfect. Red headed temper perfect. Will not let us put her down perfect. So last night when I was holding Carolina I realized that God's timing is perfect. Not to say I won't question his timing again, but last night I understood. I was not at home barely holding it together. I was in the hospital, 3 miles from my home, holding my newest baby and thinking about how much she looks like her big brother.
I learned quite early on in this journey that men grieved differently than women. I pretty much would go to bed, put the covers over my head, eat chocolate, and cry. Sean not so much. Sean is an on the go kind of guy anyway. I mean, he supported me and I supported him in the grief process, but we realized early on that we just grieved differently and that was OK. Sean went out and bought a 66 chevelle. He has always wanted one and Evan taught him that life was short. Too short to waste wanting something and not doing anything about it. That car is a big part of Sean's grieving process. Neither of us can look at that car without thinking of Evan (in a good way). The marathon was a lot like the car. When we were in Little Rock at Childrens with Evan the Little Rock Marathon was ran. We could see part of the route from the hospital. After Evan passed away, Sean said that he wanted to run the Little Rock Marathon in honor of Evan in 2010. So yesterday Sean and his brother, who flew down from Minnesota to run with him, ran the Little Rock Marathon. Sean's brother came in 32nd in the race. Sean finished in just under 5 hours. He had Sean 4 Evan on his chest. This is the way my amazing husband grieves. To say that I am so proud of him is an understatement. I am so fortunate to have him as we go along this journey. He helped me realize that we grieve differently. He has talked me through the guilt I have felt about Evan. More recently he has helped me see that we need to celebrate Evan and not just be sad. I would still be in my bed with the covers pulled over my head crying and that is just not the way I need to honor Evan. Running 26.2 miles may be a little out of reach for me, but he did it. He did it.
They did it!! I have helped with Gracie's basketball team the past three years and we finally won the championship game!! I am just so proud of this group of girls! They are all sweet girls and it has been such a privilege to work with them. It also makes me so sad that this is the last year that I get to help coach. I have really loved it, not sure if Grace always loved it, but I did! Ha! The past two seasons I have been huge pregnant most of the season. The first season I got into trouble with the refs a lot for being a little mouthy. The last two seasons I have not, maybe the refs don't want to look like jerks getting on to a pregnant lady. I do think I have gain a lot more self control in that area. Anyway. I am just very proud of these girls.
March is Trisomy 13 awareness month. March is so much more for our little family. It is the month we met Evan. It is the month we first heard Trisomy 13. It is the month we said goodbye to Evan. It is the month we will welcome a new child into our family. March is just so emotionally charged it is overwhelming at times. A week from tomorrow will be Evan's first birthday. March 13th (which is trisomy 13 awareness day) will be a year since he was diagnosed. March 16th will be a year since we held our son for the last time. I am ok one minute and a basket case the next. I just keep having to remind myself that there will be a day this March that we welcome another child to our family, but we will always miss Evan.