be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
When the pregnancy test was positive I felt joy like I have not felt in a long time. Pure joy. I cried and I prayed and started trying to come up with a fun way to tell Sean.
Then the fear set in.
Then the guilt set in.
And I have allowed these fears and guilt to steal my joy. Telling people was always a double edge sword. I am afraid that it looks like I am replacing Evan. It is so hard to say "I'm pregnant" with out saying "I am not replacing Evan." In my head I know that everyone is happy for us, but I just cannot shake the fear. Sean has dealt with all of this so much easier than I have. He says that Evan would love having an Irish twin. He says that Evan does not want to see us fall into the pit of grief in March, so he gave us a reason to be happy. Anticipating his 6 month birthday was bad. I felt like I was going crazy. I can only imagine what his birthday would be like.
I know God has perfect timing.
I know fear does not come from God.
I know I am not replacing Evan.
So I am trying to be happy without that guilt in the background. I am trying to concentrate on the life growing inside of me. I am remembering my son and still grieving. And I am proclaiming Isaiah 41:10.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
and to say we have been on an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. We are above all happy. Evan has been in the front of our minds with this pregnancy to say the least though. While in our heads we know the chance of another baby with trisomy 13 is very low (our doc said it would be like lightning striking twice) it is still a very real fear. Anything going wrong is a very real fear. We have decided against amnio because frankly it would not make any difference. We would still chose the same path as before. The fact that we did not know Evan had trisomy 13 was very rare and we just do not feel like the risk is worth the information. Especially when it would make no difference. We know we gave Evan every chance at life and we would do that for any of our children.
With all that being said. We lost Evan 6 months ago today. So today is all about Evan. I am sure his little brother or sister will understand. Six months ago was by far the hardest day of my life. I miss you every day.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The past 6 months I have had good days and I have had bad days. Today has been awful. Evan is 6 months old today. I just really don't know what to do with myself, so I just cry. This is really not a very good picture, but it is the first time I really got to see him and touch him. He was an hour old and was about to be taken to Childrens. He had a machine breathing for him instead of me. In a few hours we would start hearing the word Trisomy in relation to our child. Not a family we are praying for or wondering how they are surviving this, but OUR child. In some ways it seems so long ago, but in some ways just like yesterday. Happy Half Birthday Evan.