be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
When the pregnancy test was positive I felt joy like I have not felt in a long time. Pure joy. I cried and I prayed and started trying to come up with a fun way to tell Sean.
Then the fear set in.
Then the guilt set in.
And I have allowed these fears and guilt to steal my joy. Telling people was always a double edge sword. I am afraid that it looks like I am replacing Evan. It is so hard to say "I'm pregnant" with out saying "I am not replacing Evan." In my head I know that everyone is happy for us, but I just cannot shake the fear. Sean has dealt with all of this so much easier than I have. He says that Evan would love having an Irish twin. He says that Evan does not want to see us fall into the pit of grief in March, so he gave us a reason to be happy. Anticipating his 6 month birthday was bad. I felt like I was going crazy. I can only imagine what his birthday would be like.
I know God has perfect timing.
I know fear does not come from God.
I know I am not replacing Evan.
So I am trying to be happy without that guilt in the background. I am trying to concentrate on the life growing inside of me. I am remembering my son and still grieving. And I am proclaiming Isaiah 41:10.
Friday....I'm in Love
4 years ago